I love uncluttered days. I love a to-do list that consists of things that bring me great joy. I love, love, love peaceful days. I love reading, I love baking and cooking, both of which I have done today. I love sitting and reading and responding to emails, I love freedom. The more freedom I taste the more I want it. I crave summer days to look like productive and easy mornings if they can look like quiet and calm evenings savoring every ounce of freedom. The feeling of control painted with potential. To not feel guilty if every hour is not booked, to feel happy they aren’t. To be alone and to sit in silence, to rest. Moments like today are too scarce in my gaze. I want to know them more and to be known by stillness + grace- to be present over perfect.
inevitable
Death is inevitable but weird.
Why must we ask “were you close?” to have permission to grieve in our fullest entirety?
Why can’t we be a people who suffer and cry with those also suffering and crying around us?
May our hearts break as a direct response to those suffering around us.
May we suffer with our community, may we be people who can both mourn and dance waiting for the storm to run out of the rain.
Everyone close in proximity of a storm is affected despite one’s plans, despite the fact someone may like rain.
There will always be someone who is afraid of being alone in the midst of the storm.
May we always be comforters, may the suffering of others always break our hearts, may we always grieve while learning to dance –
unending cycle
It’s like a feedback loop,
viciously cyclical.
We can never escape its grasp
love has its hold on us.
When the physical departs
the Spirit still remains
this is the day we are
called out by name.
We hear our beloved
could this be true?
A gardener in the tomb
He has been working on the harvest
planting, sowing, watering, reaping
Life abundantly.
Love has come to stay.
When the physical departs
the Spirit still remains
this is the day we are
called out by name.
Life is found
at the foot of the cross
death brings life,
a paradox of truth.
Where you seek you will find
Investing your love,
it will cost you your life.
redemption
The Lord is redeeming my story. The Lord is redeeming my family. The Lord is moving and working and making all things work together and it is good.
I remember having a conversation with someone about family and holidays, both of which are questions I never enjoy being asked about, but here we are. I remember our conversation so vividly as Thanksgiving was approaching, I remember saying “I cannot wait to have my own family to create our own traditions and rewrite this story of my life that just hasn’t gone the way I want it” I wanted to create something good and redemptive that sang of the Lord’s provision and heart for family and I honestly believed that couldn’t take place until I had my own family. I never invited the Lord into my family situation nor thought God was big enough to redeem my story and family and holidays right now. I wanted to see the Lord’s provision in my self imposed story and asked God to bless what I was trying to do for myself instead of believing God was big enough to redeem something so broken and messy, and guess what?! God is moving and working on my heart and within the heart of my family and God did not need my invitation or permission to redeem, God just was, and when I invited God into my family mess God gave me eyes to see the work that started long before I even acknowledged that God was even at work. And ya know what, it is not perfect or happily ever after but I have found joy in knowing that God hears me and there is so much beauty in the restoration process. So, something could be said about how we perceive God as limited and to work on our self-imposed timelines, but I don’t think I am going to go there right now. I think what I am choosing to fixate on in the moment is “the process.”
Even if things are not picturesque right now, that does not entail the lack of God’s provision or care for you or your situation. Quite frankly, within “the process” will probably always be messy and not exactly what you thought it would look like, and that is okay. Messy does not equate bad or absence of the Lord’s provision.
Sometimes, I think we look up and ask the Lord to work out things to come and miss the things God is at work on right now, and sometimes we forget God is big enough to work them out and to handle our fears and assumptive behaviors. I don’t think we hear this enough: our lack of faith in God does not make God stumble, God does not need a reminder of who God is because God is God and knows that He is in control and is faithful, and I think God welcomes our stumbling over His goodness because it is “too good” and so many examples of “too good to be true” in our world has failed us and God knows that and still welcomes us with open arms to ask to see God’s redemptive work play out on earth and still wants us to partner with us, and that is pretty cool that this love is too good and true.
recap
I think I have written before about new beginnings and how I love them. For so many people, myself included, wait until the New Year to begin anew but I have begun a few times since then. What a year this has been. I have felt so much immense joy and the deepest sadness I have known. This year has been filled with so much growth and new opportunities. So many things have come into fruition that I have prayed for. I say this with full honesty that the things that have come into fruition are here, yes, but they do not look like how I pictured them. They are not perfect by any means but they still sing of faithfulness.
Here are some highlights from my year:
In January, I journaled “you make all things new”, what I didn’t know then but do now, that the Lord was indeed doing something new, making something new out of me and my brokenness and insecurities. I came back from winter break and began to live well with my roommate and our friendship really began to grow.
In February, I interviewed for Res Life and later in the month received the position!!! I adventured a bit and went on a really good camping trip with some friends where relationships just continued to grow.
In March, I had my wisdom teeth removed and got to experience the beauty of spring on Lee’s campus. I finished a very intense 6 months of counseling and anxiety and depression began consuming my being, but I am very thankful for the people who tried to love me the best they knew how. I also visited Cookeville and Franklin for the first time with my best friends.
In April, I enjoyed Easter in Cookeville and went on such a fun retreat with my hall. I finished my freshman year and looked forward to going home for the summer.
In May, I went back to work at Starbucks, started working with Barefoot, turned 20!! Spent my birthday in Nashville with my bestie gal. I had the privilege to show my other bestie gal around my city.
In June, I went back to Barefoot to work and it was probably one of the hardest months ever. Camps are hard and I went home (literally drove 4 hours home) almost every weekend in the 4 weeks I was there. It actually ended up only being 3 weeks because the last week’s camp was already staffed.
In July, I spent a lot of time at home and worked a bunch. I got to see my niece a good bit. My step-mom and I went to Columbus for the day and shopped a bit, and my family went on a 8 mile kayak adventure.
In August, I left for school and got to know the best group of individuals I have ever known and began my semester as Chaplain. I met one of my greatest friends whose friendship has been one of the biggest blessings to me. I also went back to counseling.
In September, I went to Moonriver and saw my favorite band, Joseph, perform live again and it was magical. I finally has floor leaders who gave my role more purpose and way more meaningful.
In October, there was Dorm Wars, I went to Franklin and Nashville for part of fall break then ventured back home to enjoy the rest of the break with my fam. I went to a corn-maze with my team and traveled to Huntsville to attend my uncle’s funeral.
In November, I feel like I just studied a lot and went home for Thanksgiving and met my little niece, Caroline, for the first time. Ooh, Sarah got a ring stuck on her finger, another highlight. We wrapped up Small Group for the semester with a Christmas party, and finals began looming their ugly heads. November was the first month I began to see the Lord’s provision for my family, especially in my relationship with my dad.
In December, there was finals week, hanging out in Cleveland, working graduation, then coming home, getting into a wreck, and working a bit and spending good time with my family. My relationship with my dad has improved greatly since being home. It’s been so nice and comforting being home for Christmas and New Years. Now here, I presently sit on the last day of December ready to begin anew.
I am not sure what the Lord is doing or what this next year will look like, but I am hopeful. Hopeful that this is the year the Lord will continue finishing what has begun. I pray this year is a year filled with more growth and joy, a year filled with peace and HOPE. I am believing big things for this 2019 year: complete healing for my dad, financial provision, my dad’s relationship with the Lord to be renewed and strengthened, good self care habits, and healthy boundaries. This will be my year and I am not sure exactly what it will hold, or what I am saying when I say this.
May the Lord leave me and you expectant for what will be done during 2019–
in part, dear heart.
There is something so refreshing about another human understanding you, the feeling of knowing that in this moment every word you speak is being understood in the way in which you intended on communicating. There is nothing worse than being misunderstood when communicating a burden so deep and heavy, something so hard and complex to even muster up in the first place. To take the chance of being of being misunderstood by communicating something so real and so you is one of the most gut-wrenching chances I take almost daily. But, to feel so completely understood by another being, there is nothing quite like it and almost makes the misunderstanding worth it.
One of my deepest desires is being completely understood, always. However, being completely understood happens a lot less than I want it to. I have fought so hard to be fully known by all the wrong people (+ some of the right ones too). But in this striving of being known I have forgotten that I am already fully known, even though I only partly know Truth. I seek so many of the right things from so many of the wrong people, knowing only my Creator who knit all my complex parts together knows me fully-well. To make people around you idols is one of the most dangerous things to engage in: high expectations, not met expectations, void, loneliness. But, they were never created to mend this God-sized hole in my heart. I have given all of myself to so many people who didn’t know what to do with me. I have felt heartbreak time and time again. I have never stopped to acknowledge the one who has held my heart all along, the one who created it, and knows it, the one who cries when I cry over heartbreak, the one who chooses me first, always.
To build fences and not walls is hard when self-preservation kicks in. To have discernment when sharing and establishing healthy boundaries takes so much trial and error. To love unselfishly by giving my honest heart, but also guarding my heart is still a work in progress for me. To not expect anything in return from others is hard. Friendships are hard. But God knows that fully-well, just as well as God knows me and my heart’s intentions fully-well. God loves me fully-well, knows me fully-well, may my heart know truth that when I am misunderstood, and when the love I give is unreciprocated, God’s love is the only constant, permanent fix. May I seek that love and know it partly-well.
thankful
Today I am thankful. Not because everything in my life is going great, actually life right now is kind of hard. It’s hard watching the hardworking man you have admired for 20 years deteriorating. It’s hard only having one income in your household. It’s hard living in a two-bedroom apartment with your 32-year-old cousin and your two middle-aged parents. It’s really, really, hard. It’s hard to live with the scar of abandonment for the past 10 years while your mom lives her life. It’s hard not to want a relationship with your own mom. It’s hard to want to love everyone around you well and be so limited in every asset. It’s hard to never be enough to yourself let alone everyone else, striving is hard. Life is hard. But today I am thankful.
Yesterday I had brunch with my parents and my cousin and it was good, there were minor moments of tension, but I am living in the tension and embracing those moments and continually moving forward. I saw an old friend yesterday evening and it was good catching up and I got a few good Black Friday deals. Today, I woke up at 10:52 am and laid around until my angel of a step-mom asked me what I wanted to do today and then we went and did everything, and that was good. I took a hecking good bath tonight and I put on a face mask and lit a candle, used my Lush bath bomb and read to background music. I finished a book I started towards the end of summer and have not made a huge effort to finish, but today I did. I kissed my dad as he went to bed and I told him I loved him, and I meant it. With every flaw and imperfection, with every aching nerve ending and muscle, with every ounce of addiction that courses through his brain. Tonight, I chose to love my father for everything he is instead of everything he isn’t and tonight I am thankful for every good thing I have, and I am not focusing on everything I don’t currently possess.
As I hugged and kissed both of my parents and told them good-night tonight tears began to stream down my face because in that moment I knew I was thankful, and I knew I had everything I could ever need and that is enough, and it is good; not perfect, but good. Life is not perfect, but it is good. God so gracefully corrects me of every time I wished my parents or life-situations were different and so carefully remind me that this life is good, and He is too. Today I am thankful.
God as friend
I was reminded this morning that the Lord is a friend we pursue. When we look at our other friendships and feel distant and we evaluate why there is distance, did we do something? Are they upset with us? Why do we feel this way? Is it because we haven’t received love from them in the way we best feel loved? Is there a lack of quality time? Words of Affirmation? Service? For me, quality time is how I best receive and even give love. So, if the Lord created me intentionally and knows me better than myself, God is then fully aware of how I best give and receive love. So why wouldn’t I treat my relationship with the Lord the same way I treat my other relationships? The Lord is so worthy of my time but when I fail to give God my time, I fail to pursue the Lord well as a friend. And because I didn’t give God my time, I cannot receive the love God freely gives. I am fragmented and not yet whole, however, the Lord is perfect in every way and God’s steadfast love is persistent and intentional. When I fail to create space for God, I fail to acknowledge the love God is continuous in giving me the love I need and the quality time I desire. I then feel distant from God and wonder what caused this fragmented separation. It was me. I caused this.
This revelation reminded me that we are not created to be fragmented, creating separate roles for ourselves and being isolated in those roles we play. So often, we project our lack of intentional time with the Lord onto others, expecting them to fulfill what we are not getting elsewhere. However, if we go to the source where all life flows, how can we expect to receive anything less than abundance? So here we are, pursuing the Lord as a friend, which in turn, helps us pursue our friends better as friends because the Lord has supplied everything we need, and our friendships become more of a reservoir than a drain. When we rely on the Lord to supply everything we need, friendships are not strained by expectations but rather life-giving as we become a source of life for one another.
faithful
This Wednesday I will have lived half of my life without my mom in it. Thursday and every other day that precedes will be days where I have lived more without my mom than with her. And you know what? That sucks. It sucks that from such a young age I was abandoned and mistreated by the most influential caregiver a child should ever receive. It would make sense to be bitter and hate my mom, for so many of these ten years, deep down, I know I did. But as I grow and learn how to love people like my Father does, the less important resentment and bitterness and hatred becomes in my heart. Love has taken its place. Yesterday I found out my mom had similar symptoms to a stroke, but the doctors seemingly ruled out a stroke and said its likely she has a brain tumor, but she needed a MRI to confirm. All of a sudden, I realized at this rate, the next time I see my mom could very well be at her funeral. But I don’t want that. I don’t want the next time I see my mom in person to be at her deathbed, but I also don’t think I’m ready to see her now. Will I ever be ready though? More overwhelming thoughts fill my mind—death, funerals, cancer, brain tumor, surgery, chemo, illness, faithfulness. I choose to fixate on the latter. Faithfulness. He who has promised IS faithful, not WAS… He IS faithful. He has been faithful, and He will be faithful, and right now in this moment He IS faithful, even when I can’t seem to grasp the reality of what is at stake. And I choose to focus on that. I think of it like this, if the Lord was a surgeon (yes, He is a healer but let’s think of it in this analogy), this isn’t His first day on the job, this isn’t His first solo surgery. He has been practicing far longer than I have even been alive, and his success rate is 100%. If there was a doctor on this side of Heaven with stats like that, you best bet I’d fly all the way across the country to be seen by him. It’s not much different with the Lord. Because He is faithful and has never not been. He has been at this whole God thing much longer than I have been alive. His success rate can’t even be quantified because He is that big and intentional. We don’t have to travel to across the world to be seen by Him, because He sees us, right now, wherever we’re at, and is already at work in our present circumstances, proving Himself to be faithful… time and time again. And right now, all I have to cling to is the steadfastness of the Truth—He is faithful forevermore. He is for me. He is even for my mom. And whatever the doctors say, He is still faithful then.
Amen, amen, amen.
exquisite mercy
Exquisite Mercy. This is the name of a chapter in a She Reads Truth Book (if you don’t know what She Reads Truth is, let alone their book, Google it, the book Holding Tight to Permanent changed me). However, this chapter continues to challenge me every time I pray. The chapter revolves around Jesus in the garden before going to the cross. “Abba, Father! All things are possible for You. Take this cup away from Me. Nevertheless, not what I will, but what You will” (Mark 14:36). Jesus, knowing the weight of what He was about to endure, prayed this prayer in full submission—not my will but Yours be done. The weight of that statement continues to challenge me and mildly terrify me in my own prayer life. What would it look like for you to fully submit to the will of God? Odds are, you’ll never endure death on a cross since Jesus took your place, however, this year, the odds of you enduring hardship is very likely (Sorry to rain on your parade). So, the question isn’t “if” you will endure hardship, but rather “when” you endure hardship,
“He gave us permission to ask to be relieved of our burden and sorrows… The Father did not take the cup of suffering from Him. The suffering came—just moments after Jesus’ prayer, Scripture says, ‘The hour [was] at hand’ (Matthew 26:45) An act of mercy. Only this mercy wasn’t for the object of the suffering; it was for you and me. It was our mercy. Our exquisite mercy. Because Jesus said yes in the garden—and only because of this—we can say yes to whatever we find in our own cups. Severe or spectacular, we can drink in obedience knowing the only One with the authority to put anything in our cup is the Father Himself. And just as He has the power to fill our cups with bitter and sweet things, He also has the power to take them away if we ask. He invites us to ask.”
I pray this season is a ‘sweet’ thing that fills your cup, but I also pray when the bitter things come, you pray boldly to a God who is more than capable of taking those things from your cup. However, if those things still remain in your cup, most of all, I pray you’re able to say, “not my will but Yours be done” and press in to see His faithfulness because He is good, and He is faithful even when the cup is bitter, my friend.
u n b r o k e n g r a c e 