This Wednesday I will have lived half of my life without my mom in my life. Thursday and every other day that precedes will be days where I have lived more without my mom than with her. And you know what? That sucks. It sucks that from such a young age I was abandoned and mistreated by most influential caregiver a child should ever receive. It would make sense to be bitter and hate my mom, for so many of these ten years, deep down, I think I did. But as I grow and learn how to love people like my Father does, the less important resentment and bitterness and hatred becomes in my heart. Love has taken its place. Yesterday I found out my mom had similar symptoms to a stroke, but the doctors seemingly ruled out stroke and said its likely she has a brain tumor, but she needed a MRI to confirm. All of a sudden, I realized at this rate, the next time I see my mom could very well be at her funeral. But, I don’t want that. I don’t want the next time I see my mom in person to be at her deathbed, but I also don’t think I’m ready to see her now. Will I ever be ready though? More overwhelming thoughts fill my mind—death, funerals, cancer, brain tumor, surgery, chemo, illness, faithfulness. I choose to fixate on the latter. Faithfulness. He who has promised IS faithful, not WAS… He IS faithful. He has been faithful, and He will be faithful, and right now in this moment He IS faithful, even when I can’t seem to grasp the reality of what is at stake. And I choose to focus on that. I think of it like this, if the Lord was a surgeon (yes, He is a healer but let’s think of it in this analogy), this isn’t His first day on the job, this isn’t His first solo surgery. He has been practicing far longer than I have even been alive, and his success rate is 100%. If there was a doctor on this side of Heaven with stats like that, you best bet I’d fly all the way across the country to be seen by him. It’s not much different with the Lord. Because He is faithful and has never not been. He has been at this whole God thing much longer than I have been alive. His success rate can’t even be quantified because He is that big and intentional. We don’t have to travel to across the world to be seen by Him, because He sees us, right now, wherever we’re at, and is already at work in our present circumstances, proving Himself to be faithful… time and time again. And right now, all I have to cling to is the steadfastness of the Truth—He is faithful forevermore. He is for me. He is even for my mom. And whatever the doctor the doctors say, He is still faithful then.
Amen, amen, amen.